My daughter won’t let me see my grandchildren - I never imagined this could happen (2024)

According toPsychology Today,at least one in four people experience estrangement from a family member, while another study found that one in 10 have cut off a parent or child. It is estimated more than two million grandparents in the UK alone are unable to connect with their respective grandchildren for various reasons. For Jane*, 62, a council worker in the South of England, the experience of being ignored by her daughter has been tough enough, but it’s the pain of not seeing her grandchildren that has led her to seek out a support group for grandparents like her.

I was a single parent to my daughter, who I love deeply, and have tried to be a good parent to. It wasn’t easy and I made mistakes like not being around enough at a crucial time when she was 10 and my divorce happened. I was probably too impatient with her and was overall in a bit of a bad way when my marriage ended, and I wish I’d handled it better. But she spent a lot of time with my mum, when I found it tough to cope, who was a wonderful gran.

As she grew older and got into her teens, I was always there, and as supportive as I could be. We had a good relationship, we talked a lot, and when she moved away and went to university, we’d chat on the phone, I’d go and visit, and she’d come and see me. I’ve known other mother-daughter relationships which are closer and more intertwined, but ours felt close, from my perspective.

Then things changed. My daughter, now 33, also now a single mother, started a few years ago to show a coldness and anger towards me. I tried to address why, and what was going on, but she wouldn’t elaborate, and would just shut down if I asked her. She almost never wants to see me anymore. Over the last few years I have barely met up with her, even though she lives less than an hour’s drive away, and I have felt on such high alert around her on the rare occasions I have managed to see her.

I’ve tried ringing, pleading with her, and also leaving her in peace, but on top of being sad I can’t see my daughter very much, I am so devastated that I barely get to see my grandchildren.

That’s the really painful part that I’m having such a hard time accepting, as when they were born I was very involved and developed a real bond. I was so happy to have them around, and I doted on them. But then about three years ago [when they were 2 and 4] I didn’t get to see them for almost a year. My granddaughter [the younger one] didn’t even recognise me when we did eventually meet up, and I found it completely heartbreaking.

Then my daughter four months later got in touch out of nowhere, almost as if things were normal, and I saw the kids every few weeks for a year, took them on days out, helped my daughter – things seemed good. She wouldn’t tell me much about her life, and there was a real distance, but I made sure I spent as much time as I possibly could with her and the children.

I was incredibly relieved. But over the last year, my daughter’s stopped getting in touch all over again, and it’s been such a horrible shock and an almost unbearable disappointment. I have told her she doesn’t have to see me (although I’d love to see her) but asked if there any chance I could spend a bit of time with the kids, at any point that suits her, whether it’s an hour or a whole day. Anything she needs.

I wake up most days feeling quite hopeless about it because I feel I’m losing not only my daughter but also two more children that I really love. I am also very worried about my daughter and what’s going on with her to make her cut me out like this, especially in – what seems to me – such an erratic way. I know from discussing this with other parents in this situation that other people always expect there to be some obvious reason, or something terrible you did to make your child behave like this. I expect this myself, and have really tried to find out what I could have done to make her want me to be out of her life for these long periods of time.

In a way, I wish there was a reason I could understand so I could at least apologise for something, or try to fix it, but we’ve had no argument, nothing’s changed from my side, and I don’t know what’s happened to make her be like this in the last few years. I’ve racked my brains to work out where I went wrong, but I’ve started to understand that although I do blame myself, it might be more complex than simply something I did as a mum.

I have a lovely partner as of the last 10 years – someone my daughter also got on with – and I like my job, and have a good social circle. Yet this is a huge hole at the centre of my life, and a constant heavy grief. When my colleagues talk about their grandchildren, it’s painful sometimes, because while I technically am a grandmother, I also feel like I’m not. It feels wrong to say but in the dark times, I think I’d find it less hard if I’d never known the joy of being a grandparent in the first place, as the way it’s been taken away from me feels unkind.

For support and information, visit Grand Parents Apart UK, which can help grandparents who are denied contact, and with family problems like fall outs, and parents thinking of separating. Other organisations include the Bristol Grandparents Support Group for grandparents across the UK. The National Grandparents Register was also founded in 2023, where grandparents can register their names should their grandchildren want to find them.

*Names changed. As told to Kasia Delgado